There are various stages of death. In the brink of destruction one may face grief, anger, despair, abandonment and eventually acceptance. I am now probably facing anger. The variable nature of the feeling is dealt with as I best know anger upon experiencing violent video games. It is usually in a mash between absolute serenity, amusement and utter wrath. As I struggle to understand the violent nature of my human nature I seek help within books of questionable origin. I recently came across Colin Wilson's History of The Occult.
Having been raised in a quite modernist family with liberal views upon both religion and science (although darwinism was self understood as being the standard, but following the general guidelines of orthodox views) I tried to cope with my questions by turning to the study of the occult. I was fascinated with the concept of being able to manipulate and change the world in the most pragmatic and physical meaning, but I never quite felt able to actually accomplish it. In turn my doubt and own pragmatic views (based mostly on the physical world) prevented me from seeing the truth behind the locked doors of my mind. Needless to say the engineering major didn't really help in this direction, further enhancing my views upon the physical reality.
Still this book is my latest attempt at tapping in the powers that lay dormant behind my eyes. I find it hard to read, and hard to follow, as it is a rather long biography of various characters in history who used or in some way were connected to the powers of the mind. I don't mind descriptions of various uses of power, but at some point I tend to lose interest. The book itself is quite entertaining, pointing out some rather odd similarities between ancient religions and people all over the world. Something is always more than meets the eye. Something is always higher and always more powerful. Mankind it seems has always had a special connection to the rest of the world. We are not just carbon based creatures. We are not simply meat-bags who live their lives from day to day, trying to make ends meet until the ends meet us.
I believe it was during highschool when the idea of the Noosphere came to my knowledge. It puzzled me as a concept, strikingly similar to auras and other phenomenon of human interaction which hold no connection to the physical world. If doubt was anything like a blocking mechanism, the best way to describe it would be a clamp on the intestinal tube with the rest of the Noosphere. I am detached and feel hungry for power, for mana, for anything that holds occult properties and occult meanings. I have lost all traces of religion that had formed me as a child and I have shut down all the skills were once perhaps in my grasp. I feel the need to reconnect with myself and truly find what I am looking for. But what am I looking for? Salvation at the end of an old book? Retribution of past lives that have died in violent conditions and now plague my karma and my dreams? On a daily basis I tend to look at a clock at hours like 19:42 or 19:12. Ar they years in which someone truly and deeply connected with me died or got hurt? Am I plagued by dreams of dying because in some curious way I actually died in these circumstances? Maybe I'm looking in the wrong direction. Perhaps my salvation and peace must lie with yet another hobby I am yet to discover. But somehow the supernatural fascinates me more than I can possibly comprehend on my own. I tend to see that in my writing I tend to very much use the word "I". Perhaps my own undoing will be my egocentric nature.
Nevertheless as the exit poll results are out (mayor election campaign) one must point out that no matter who wins we tend to lose.
And on that bombshell it's time to go to sleep and perhaps dream another violent death...