Sep 23, 2012

Cravings, feasts and decay

The modern cravings of the civilized man, as represented by me, have been to some extent blown away by the arrival of my technological extension to the modern telecommunication relays. As such I can now settle with the fact that my brain was affected by media in such ways as i had anticipated but tried to ignore. Accepting the fact that i am in fact mortal and weak enough to be overwhelmed with excitement by such a crude and enslaving device is quite disturbing. However, the choices we make affect the path we take, and my choices reflect a somewhat distant plan of a more in-depth analysis of my own fears and understanding at a future time as i would see fit for this sort of action. Though my technological extension is becoming more and more an integrated part of my biological extension (as in my human shell, as i may call my avatar on this carbon based life-form dimension) i struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with my senses and try to use the device to further develop and hone my skills. All my skills.

The time for changes is brought about by the change of seasons. Once again the song that echoes in my head belongs to Dream Theater, but i will not listen to it, as it only gives me a sort of jolt of sadness and futility that longs about my mind. The futility of existence in it's fullness and of thought in particular. The thought of futility is quite futile. It manages not only to infuriate but also throw me in a state of mental apathy which is neither useful to me or to anyone else. If anything, it's just an unwanted annoyance, a sort of spam that lingers on about as a mist above a lake on a cold lonely morning. It remains in the shadows of time, lurking dangerously and waiting for the right time to strike at the neck and perhaps throw me about a more perilous mental adventure. The idleness of the mind really is a very troublesome element to control.

Time, time is running about. More about than ever apparently. Or it's just my deceived perception that time is going by much faster than before. Maybe it's all about me, and my humble perception of time. But there is no time. The time to think about time has had it's time. The time to change the way time is conceived is now. There is no past, there will be no future, there is only now and here. The constant threat of the future lurks about and slips by unnoticed and unbiased by our security measures. Now becomes future, and now has past away, leaving away nothing but the constant of now. There is no constant, there is no continuity. If i seek into my memory banks i find no continuity and no logical organisation of memories. There are no folders and sub folders, no libraries and no directories. There are only bulk data of "now". I dreamed of playing with legos. I was a bit over the age of 6 or 7, judging by the length of my fingers. I could find no mirrors, no perceivable notion of having a dream, but still i was convinced of the unrealistic nature of that "now". It seemed vivid, it seemed real, but it seemed somehow diluted, somewhat strange and the notion of time stood to no meaning. The light outside switched between pitch-black and pure radiant sun and back again to darkness in a few moments. As if someone messed with the lights. There was no notion of time, no notion of planetary movement.
The dream died soon after i put this information into context. It literally collapsed in the darkness of the dreamless sleep, as if someone shut down the entire show. I always wondered what goes on in my mind during those sleepless dreams. Am i in a dream i can't remember, am i trapped in a kind of never-ending limbo which holds my mind and sentience at bay. Is that the sensation of undergoing a profound coma? Does the mind just shuts down, or does it leap into another plane of existence? Is there another plane of existence? Do i tap into another form of knowledge while in dreamless sleep? Anyway the dreamless sleep is seldom satisfactory, because it rarely last long (or so is my perception), as another dream and then another and another keep emerging until i wake up. And waking up make me linger more dreams. Dreams that make no sense, dreams that emerge from the pits and dooms of the back of my mind. Dreams that come as a warning, as a message, as a placeholder for something more important. I dreamed i was in the world imagined by Phillip K. Dick in "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep". I was about to emigrate and was bound to receive an android. And i was choosing the specs... Quite a delicious dream, but the impending sense that the Earth was doomed, and the human race was at a critical turn in it's evolution quite dented the experience. I felt sad, and lonely. I felt alone and as a whole, i felt the empathy of the entire human race flooding my brain. I felt the doom and the destruction, the distrust and the hate. And i woke up.. Or am i still dreaming the dream of reality? Maybe i will dream the real world again tonight, or perhaps the darkness will engulf me and keep my mind at bay until it is needed again.

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